I just came from a blog screaming about the church and how it should support adoption. ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!! Why do people any people and that includes Christians think that it's a wonderful thing to uproot children in other countries and bring them to America so they can have a better life. In concept it sounds like a wonderful thing and the adoption industry continually baits people into believing they are 'saving' children who would otherwise perish in their country of origin.
I am fortunate enough to have been allowed to listen to adoptee's some from in country and some from third world countries. They are all saying the same thing. "Where are my roots". What chance does an adoptee of a third world country have of finding their people. I have listened to many adoptee's both in country and out of country. There are very few that fared better in there adopted families than they would have if they had stayed in their natural family.
They are not forever children they grow up and have real issues because of adoption. If children are kept in their natural families even if it is a Grandmother, Aunt, cousin, etc.... that raises them they fare much better. I pray people start looking beyond what adoption agencies tell them and see the people that the children they want to adopt will grow up to be.
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I know that you will disagree with me, but I just had to respond a little to the goings-on at Carolyn's blog today. Personally, I think its healthy for people (even Christians) to disagree about things. It forces us all to think about why we think or feel a certain way; disagreements force us to form an argument to defend our position and maybe even cause us to see the world from someone else's point of view.
The world is a harsh place...the comforts we have here in the U.S. put us in the position of being the luckiest people in the world. Its easy sitting here in the U.S. to look at the world from afar and think you have all the answers. But once you've traveled to a third world country, your perspective changes.
Some children in third world countries have NO options. No hope. No family. The lucky few find their way to an orphanage where they are given food and clothing and if they are VERY lucky, a basic education. But an orphanage is not a home, it is not a family, it is not a future. Once these children reach a certain age they can no longer stay in an orphanage. Then what happens to them? They have no education, so they can't find good work that would help them earn a living. They don't have any money so they can't get an education. They are stuck. What happens to these children who are no longer young enough to stay in an orphanage, but have no where else to go?
Adoption is not the answer to the world's orphan problem. It is a bandaid...and a bandaid for a very small number of the world's orphans. But, I believe with all my heart that it is necessary.
Yes, in a perfect world, children could stay in their home culture. They would grow up to be responsible adults. They would get an education and grow up to benefit their home country. But for most (even the "lucky" ones in an orphanage) don't have that hope.
Sure, there are adult adoptees who struggle with who they are...who desperately want to be in touch with their roots. And that is terribly sad...and I pray every day that my children will not feel that way when they grow up. I pray that I find a way to make them feel connected to their culture, to their birth family in some way so that they don't feel lost. But, I can also tell you that I know lots of people who grew up right here in the U.S., who were not adopted, and struggle with knowing their roots. Feeling "disconnected" and struggling with "not knowing who I am" is not something that is isolated to only adoptees.
Just my two cents.
Chanda
I agree that in extreme cases adoption is necessary. I don't agree that the church should support adoption. The Bible says to take care of the orphans - it does not say help yourself to the orphans. If that sounds harsh i'm sorry. If your going to claim that the "church" should support an individual choice of adoption you should never expect all Christians to support this attitude - it is not Biblical. The Bible does say we are grafted in. I have huge problems with anyone who portrays Jesus in such a light. This is highly detrimental to persons who need to reach out to God and are shoved away by this type of attitude as well as lumping all Christians into this category making it that much more difficult to effectively witness to non believers.
ALL cases of orphans are EXTREME cases...ANY CHILD without parents, medicine, food,shelter education is an EXTREME case....People that adopt these children are certainly not helping themselves to orphans....AND I stand firm in the fact that God says caring for orphans and widows is PURE and FAULTLESS religion....If the ministry of ADOPTION is a personal choice than SO is every other call to serve in the church and on the mission field....I find it extremely odd that you sought out to criticize people that adopt, and expect their church to back them....You are saying a church should support the PERSONAL choice for someone to spend a week in the mission field but NOT to support and aid in adoption....I find your approach painfully dangerous...I am sorry but I believe that our lives should be witness to unbelievers...not jamming uneducated opinions down throats of people doing whatever they can in this life to ACTIVELY serve the Lord with EVERYTHING they have.
HAVE YOU TRAVELED TO A 3rd WORLD COUNTRY??? Have YOU listened to the wishes of a DYING mother forced to leave her children behind?? Have you been BEGGED to take someones children by a dying parent??? Have you been begged by an orphan child to be their parent???? You have NO RIGHT, NO basis, NO experience to assault families with your bitter and warped OPINIONS...Good thing God didn't think of you in the ways that you are rambling about...that HE CHOSE to adopt you......I seriously PITY you, and certainly believe that ALL people are not cut out for adoption....BUT that every child deserves to be in a LOVING family with the support of a LOVING church behind them......
Carolyn, I totally agree with you.
And to the blogger, it sounds pretty convenient to turn the ministry of adoption around, and make it seem like something it is not. Then that way, you have an excuse and don't actually have to do anything. You can justify not giving of yourself to the fullest, by not embracing one of these orphans that truly needs a loving family, and then you try to make others think that what they are doing is wrong. That is twisted.
May I encourage you to read the entire book of James and put your faith into action.
Sue
I want to thank you for your veiled reference that I need to be taught how to be a Christian. Thank you I have read James.
You take what does not belong to you and call it good.
My response is We indeed are living in the end times and will end this conversation with Mark 6:11
And whoever will not receive you nor hear you, when you depart from there, shake off the dust under your feet as a testimony against them. Assuredly, I say to you, it will be more tolerable for Sodom and Gomorrah in the day of judgment than for that city!”
Cricket, we adoptive parents are well aware that there are many now adult adoptees who are bitter, angry, etc., about their lives...thanks to many of them there is a lot of research, many books, etc., out there that are helping us to navigate parenting our adopted children differently than in the past. We work very hard at maintaining a cultural connection for our kids so that they can hopefully feel comfortable in both (and no, I'm not naive enough to think that all of today's APs are doing this, but certainly many are). We fully intend to encourage our children to explore their roots, be proud of them, etc, and for those of us lucky enough info on any remaining bio family, we strive to maintain contact.
In a perfect world adoption would not be necessary. Corrupt governments that spend money intended for food and medical aid would not be rerouted to other things. NGO's would not be working in hostile environments and would have the assistance of local governments to reach more of those in need. People would not be starving while we through vast amounts of food away or dying of diseases for which there are treatments. But alas the world is not perfect and orphanages, foster care, etc. are not ideal places for a child to grow up (if they make it to adulthood). Certainly we can fight to help make the world a better place, but in the meantime these are children we are talking about, not just statistics. I'm curious, have you spent any time speaking with those who were never adopted (here in the U.S. in the case of those who aged out of foster care, too many of them are in prison or on the street) to ask their opinions on their childhood...my guess is that (similar to those adopted) they have many unresolved issues and feel that their lives would have been better "if only...". Even in talking to many who grew up in their bio or first families (I take issue with your use of the word "natural" because it insinuates that any other type of family is unnatural which can lead to a feeling of inferiority, so please consider that before using such a term in front of an adopted child), many have issues with their upbringings (the grass is always greener, you know?).
I agree with you in that there are adoption agencies out there who, through their actions, are clearly in the business of finding children for families (i.e. filling orders) and I have serious issues with them because adoption should ALWAYS be about finding families for children who want and need them, but did you know there are adoption agencies who are dedicated to helping children stay with extended families where possible through sponsorship by adoptive families? I can only speak for the agency we support (Adoption Advocates International), but did you know that such programs are proving to be so successful that the governement in Ethiopia is asking for additional ones in other parts of the country? We as an adoptive family feel a duty to support such programs and I would hope that people such as yourself also should be doing so, so that you are part of the solution and backing your opinions up with action (my point is that if everyone who is critical of adoption became part of the solution, then many would never end up in an orphanage).
I also agree that we should never adopt with the mindset of saving a child, nor should any adopted child ever be made to feel that they must be grateful to their APs. Rather it should be about a family wanting to open their hearts to a child in need of a family. However, in the case of HIV+ orphans and others that require medical intervention in order to survive, the reality is that adoption can save their life.
Did you know that many orphans end up in an orphanage because they don't have extended families to rely on and they are in child headed "households" barely surviving by eating out of garbage bins when they get to eat at all? Can you imagine an 8 year old being head of household? Did you know that cultural norms mean that often orphans who are taken in by extended family are often abused, seen as inferior to the bio children in the home, and treated as servants in these homes (this is often the case even in homes where the child is living with the bio father and step mother)? Did you know that those who are HIV+ but do have extended families are often abused or rejected by them because of fear of the disease? Did you know that because of the HIV stigma, even healthy kids of parents who died of AIDS are often ostrasized? Did you know that AHOPE is an orphanage for these HIV+ children to live and learn and get meds and wait for families? Did you know that AHOPE also have a community outreach program that is educating families in their community to not fear the disease and helping to get those kids who can stay with family on meds? Did you know that despite how wonderful it is at AHOPE and how happy and loved the children are, if you ask them, they WANT families!
Did you know that many now adult adoptees from Ethiopia are going back to the orphanages they lived in and volunteering, living in their birth culture, making a difference, etc?
Sorry to be so long winded here. I hope you understand the point of my comment here is not to attack. We are all entitled to our opinions, but we should always be open to hearing those of others too...we can all learn from one another and hopefully make the world a better place for the children we speak of.
In the first responders comments he/she points out that listening to different opinions is encouraged. I have an opinion that I would like to be heard.
Adoption is not a bad thing. It will always be necessary. Unfortunately the NEED some people have for a child drives unethical practices in the adoption arena. I am not insinuating that what you are doing is wrong or unethical. I am saying that the selfish needs of some to have a child at any cost is wrong.
There are those who will take a child that was stolen and sold for the pure intent to make money. IF those people would stop paying such high prices for children and accepting them under illegal circumstances adoption could go back to being about the needs of the children. The true orphans.
AGAIN I am not saying what you in particular are doing is wrong. I have not been to a third world country, I have not been begged by a dying woman to take their child. It is beyond sad what happens in these countries, but as far as aging out of the orphanages that happens here too. In America, a child ages out of foster care and is literally thrown into the streets.
My friend Cricket is trying to get to people who want a baby at any cost, not people who actually are doing adoption in the way it was intended. It is not right to steal a mothers child and pretend it is an orphan for the sake of making money. It is not right for women who are desperate for an infant to drive up the price of adoption because of their desire to own one at any cost. That is possession and the child becomes a commodity.
Cricket and I have listened to the painful stories of adoptees from around the world who truly have issues from being disconnected from their ancestors, and their culture. Not just a few, but most adoptees be they from America or another country have issues, and most will not share it with their adoptive parents because they don't want to hurt the parents they have come to love. The ache they feel has nothing to do with the love for their adoptive parents.
Please try to understand that Cricket and I are not against ethical adoption, which sounds like what you are doing. We are against the astronomical prices and despicable practices by people who see adoption as a money making business. Their intentions are not in the best interest of the child, and they are going to third world countries because it's cheaper. How is this child supposed to feel like anything but a commodity?
I took my step daughter to a border town in Texas to meet her grandmother. They are of Hispanic, native American decent. My step daughter loved it there because everybody looked like her. she was 7 at the time. SHE NOTICED, she actually said on her own that it was nice being around people who looked like her. This is just one of many things that goes through an adoptee's head. Having a strong desire to know and meet and have a relationship with their first parents and siblings is another.
There are those who do not care to, but by and large most do, and I feel they should be allowed to.
I have had conversations with women who will not accept anything but a third world baby because they don't' ever want the child to find the first parents. THIS IS NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD. This is selfish and immature.
Upon becoming a legal adult every child has the right to freedom of association. (EXCEPT ADOPTEES) how is that fair? They can not be trusted with their own birth certificate. Because of this practice they are separated from their medical history, and ancestry. No matter how old they become, they are forever children, yet they are expected to work, pay taxes, vote and be a responsible citizen under the law, like everyone else.
Trust me Cricket knows her bible and she does not think that bringing God into a situation where children are born for the purpose of making a buck or stolen in the name of the all mighty dollar is respectful to Him.
Maybe she didn't explain it thoroughly enough but her heart is in the right place. I don't think God will be very happy with those who simply want to fulfill their needs at a cost so dear to another. I don't think God will be smiling upon those who stole, or falsely reported abuse to obtain a child for the sake of money, or deliberately lied about the where abouts of the father.
Adoption is necessary but it does not need to be what it has become, which is a life of secrets and lies for so many.
True orphans need homes. Children from truly abusive and neglectful situations need loving families. These are ethical adoptions. Not all adoptions that are done today are ethical and Cricket knows more than most about the practices that are going on in the adoption arena. She does not want God's name attached to secrets, lies,and child theft.
I hope this has explained it a little better and I hope for all the adoptees sake of the future that foster and adoptive parents will get a copy of their child's ORIGINAL birth certificate. It's theirs and they have a right to it.
I'm saddened by this post and by your harsh words on Carolyn's blog. I don't know either of you I just know it grieves the heart of God when His body is at war with itself. I'm praying for peace in His church and grace among fellow believers.
While there are unethical adoptions that have taken place, the majority of adoptions are done in an ethical, honest and legal manner. Most adoptive families have the best interest of their child in mind both now and in their child's future. It is a "forever" choice that most adoptive families make when adding a child to their family just the same as a birth-child. It does not mean that we intend to hide information about their birth-family- we embrace the child's birth-family as much as is safe and age-appropriate. Our journey up to this point has been with US foster-adopt and I can tell you, I thank our God for removing our children from their birth-culture. Their birth-culture included drug and alcohol abuse, domestic violence, homelessness, lack of education and health care, extreme poverty, and last but not least, abuse and neglect. Our children are developing and growing in a new culture. That does not mean we dismiss and forget about their birth-families and culture. We have gathered as much info on the their birth-families as we can and will continue to do so, and we will support their desire to connect with birth-family as they grow and we are able to keep them safe. I think we feel as most adoptive families do, that our children will always have their birth-family, and we do not desire to disconnect that important part of who they are, but at the same time we will do all we can to love, nurture and protect them. My adult birth-children had identity issues while growing up- especially in the teen years when they were attempting to differentiate from the family and forge their own identity. Our children that came to us through adoption have an additional aspect to their identity process, but that doesn't mean that it will be negative. Adoption is a wonderful thing that God himself has created and I can tell you there are many older children in foster care that would LOVE to be adopted into a loving, safe family that they can depend on. You can check profiles of many older children through the different states that post them online and they WANT to grow in a family that truly cares about them and puts their needs first. We know many families that have adopted through foster care and from third-world countries and they are very-well adjusted and normal in every way. Every family will have challenges whether they are formed through birth or adoption. I thank God there are more people that are willing to bring the mission field home, and families formed through adoption are growing in numbers. I hope the church catches on to this vast mission field and the opportunities to serve Him by being HIS hands and feet to welcome and support our orphans.
In Him,
Linda
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